A Passing....

I'm up at 5am. A good friend of mine just lost her dad tonight. Cancer took yet another life out of the world today. It's brought up some awful memories, and regrets from my experience losing a father that I can not change. Though I really wish I could.
I was a teenager. I remember being left in the dark so it "wouldn't hurt me." I remember feeling mad about him being sick. I remember excessively cleaning the cat figurines while grandma watched. Worsely I remember being so mad at him and my mom, going into my room for the night, and waking up to paramedics in our home. Dad had passed, and I regret not telling him I loved him. I regret being that mad teenager not grasping the concept that I would not see my dad anymore.
It was so hard seeing a big, strong man become so frail and weak. Kudos to my mom for sitting there next to him every night, while we hid in our rooms. I should have done better. And now I sit w/all this regret 14 yrs later. Worsely I do not believe in an afterlife. It would make it easier if I actually believed I'd see him again. It'd make it easier cuz I could apologize for not being there, when he needed all the comfort in the world around him to ease him out of this world forever. For that I truely regret, and I will always hold that with me until I pass.